song_tra_bong | (no subject)

Entry tags:

aftermath,
ruin

(no subject)

Room M16 is oddly quiet.

Just a faint click

click

click coming from the bathroom.

From the shower stall. It was the smallest place she could find with a door that shut all the way.

She's sitting on the floor of the shower, knees tucked to her chest and pistol in hand, flicking the saftey on and off. She's got no plans to be dramatic and blow her brains all over the wall in desperation--the weight of the gun is just...comforting.

She's not looking for visitors tonight, though had she been thinking more clearly she would have remembered to lock her door.

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"Shoot me."

He smiles.

"It will make an awful mess, but if it will make you feel better..."

She wants to, oh how she wants to, but now that it's his idea she's not about to. Not that she'll tell him that.

"Just go away," she says through clenched teeth.

"Just get out."

Her gun hand does not waver; her voice is a different story.

He crouches down.

"I called you my lover," he says, his eyes on hers. "When you chose to spend the night in my arms, sleep nude against me but never fucked me, it changed. No longer someone to fuck."

She takes a deep breath and refuses to cry.

"Goddammit, that's not the point! He's gone, dammit, he's gone, he left and he's not coming back, not ever--"

Her gun hand is shaking now; she supports the butt of the gun with her other hand. Keep steady, both eyes open, fire on the exhale.

Only she can't breathe.

Ruin's here being nice and calling her lover, and Julian's not and since when did the world go crazy?

With ease of an unnatural creature, he knocks the gun from her hands and then has her hands in his.

"Then it is over. Ended. Brought to ruin. So grasp the rung of the ladder and draw a new card," he says softly.

over

ended

left

gone gone gone gone gone gone gone

you will not fall apart in front of him you will not you will not no no no no--

"But I want the cards I had," she pleads, voice thick, fingernails digging into his palms.

"I want things to make sense and for him to be here and--

(not you)

--and just..."

Her nails dig in further and she bows her head over their joined hands. She will not let him see her cry this time.

He draws her out of the shower.

"You can never have the same cards perpetually," he murmurs, bringing her into her room. "Things make sense in their own way. He isn't here--"

(but I am)

"--and he won't return."

She lets him lead her, collapsing more than sitting onto the bed.

(but I could go to him if I had forever)

"I know," she murmurs.

"But that doesn't stop me from wanting."

"No. It doesn't."

He sits beside her.

"I'm... I'm... sorry that he... is gone."

It takes a lot for those words to pass through his lips.

Her head jerks up, eyes wide and stunned.

Her mouth works soundlessly before she manages to say, "I've finally gone mad again. That, or I'm going to wake up."

"No. Not a dream. Not madness."

He takes her hand in his.

"I... I am sorry. You... don't know all the things about me, so you can't possibly believe it... but... I am."

But isn't that what dreams say? What madness says?

She just nods weakly, silently, clutching at his hand because it's real and it's there and trying not to think to hard about any other reasons why.

"I will go if you want," he says, looking at her with dark grey eyes.

She considers it for a moment, a very long moment.

She doesn't want him here, in her (their) room. He was never supposed to be here.

But then she weighs that against the thought of being in this room alone.

The scale tips.

She shakes her head.

He nods.

"I can be him."

It was a generous offer.

Because he really could. Appearance, demeanour, smells... everything.

Generous, maybe.

But it scares the hell out of her.

She recoils, yanking her hand from his and scrambling backwards across the bed.

"No, no, nononono, please no please don't please don't please--"

She stops when her back hits the headboard, pulling one leg to her chest and staring at him as if afraid his face will change if she blinks.

Ruin doesn't chase her.

"I won't."

She said no, he wouldn't do it. He never forced it on anyone. It was always their choice.

Choice.

She nods shakily, grateful.

"Thank you."

She couldn't take that from him, not just now, probably not ever. She'd only fall apart further.

"What do you need, Mary Anne?" he asks, looking at his hands.

"I...I don't know..."

She doesn't move any closer towards him, though she uncurls from her huddle slightly.

For the important people to stop leavingdyingleaving me.

To understand what's going on.

To understand you.

"To not be alone."

"You're not alone."

He offers a weak smile.

"I'm here. As are your friends."

She doesn't smile.

"Not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

His smile fades.

"I know I have my friends, but they're not here right now and I'm not sure I want them to be, I just..."

One hand traces abstracts on the comforter.

"I need this room not to feel empty with me in it. Not that that makes any more sense."

He crawls up beside her.

He weighs his options.

He could hit her. Draw blood. Make her feel nothing but lust and pain, wiping out the hurt at the moment.

But he didn't want to do that, which surprised the hell out of him.

Instead, he reaches out and cups her far cheek, turning her face to him. Slowly, and very gently, he kisses her.

She wouldn't respond to violence just now. He could hit her and she'd let him, but she wouldn't fight back; just swallow the blood and close her eyes.

But this is something else.

Something else entirely.

She draws a breath before kissing him back, which hitches on the threat of further tears. She pulls back, head slightly bowed as she tries to collect herself.

He doesn't let her.

He continues to kiss, softly, his arms slipping around her waist.

She's crying and kissing him, and he shouldn't be here but he is all the same.
listen to the thunder
Julian left and Ruin is here, and at some point the world got turned on its head and they forgot to tell her. Julian's gone, probably forever, and Ruin's here and calls her 'lover.' It should be enough.
can you let me go to hell the way I want to?
But it can't be, because it'll never be right.

And she's going to have to learn to live with that.

Being a lover does not necessarily mean he is in love.

He would deny loving anyone.

His thumbs brush away tears as he continues to kiss her, and then he pulls back enough to ask--

"We can simply sleep, as we have done before..."

What you deny and what's true often overlap.

She nods, drawing one more gulping breath.

"Please."

She doesn't want more than that tonight, just to not be alone. And if he's the one who'll stay, then so be it.

He nods.

Carefully, he stands, removing his clothing, then tenderly undressed her. He turns out the light, turns down the bed, then crawls in.

Ruin draws Mary Anne against his body, spooning her from behind, lips pressed to her shoulder.

"Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur."

He rubs at her belly with his thumb.

"We choose to love, Mary Anne. We do not choose to cease loving."

She rolls onto her other side, tucking her head beneath his chin and hiding her face.

She laughs raggedly against his skin.

"I really am going to have to learn Latin, aren't I?"

And as for his other comment, well, she's knows it's true enough.

He chuckles, the sound low in his chest.

"It's the language I knew first."

The blankets are pulled up and his hands clasp in the small of her back.

"Try and sleep. You're not alone."

Even if I am not the one you wanted.

"Ah, that explains it."

She closes her eyes.

"Thank you...Good night."

It doesn't take long for her breathing to even out and then she's fast asleep.

Not what you wanted but what you have. Reconcile.

Settle.

Coira had settled on him, too. He hadn't been the love of her life, even if she had never treated him badly.

But no one can truly love Ruin.

And Ruin can't truly love anyone...

settle

reconcile

Close, but not the same.

She has no intention of settling. But to come to terms...

Maybe love's not what either of them need.

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